Being a step-mother seriously stinks at times

      I was lucky in that when my mother remarried my step-grandparents were all about being fair.  For some years I was their only grandchild but then my cousins came along (who were their flesh and blood relatives). Even after my cousins came along my step-grandparents were always fair.  If they bought for my cousins, they bought something from me.  We all received stones from The Holy Land, dolls from England, and folk art from Romania.  What was done for one was done for all and it has always been that way.  I wish that I could say the same for my in-laws but our situation is far from that.  There is favoritism even between the biological grandchildren.  It makes me really sad.

     My step-daughter has kept our family in constant turmoil for the past 2 years.  We have had sexting, false rape  charges, sneaking to see people she shouldn't, nude pictures sent via the internet and phone to various boys both near and far, stealing from siblings, and chronic lying.  I've been told that she wished I was never here.  I've been disrespected not only by my step-daughter but also by my mother in-law on several occasions.  The adults should be working as a team but somehow it is a battle.   My step-daughter has sucked them into her sob story of poor pitiful me and they have fallen hook line and sinker.  There has been a part of me that just wants to throw up my hands and say "go to it."  I feel for my husband because I know that he is truly stuck in the middle.  We have both tried to provide good examples for my step-daughter and let her know that she is loved.  She doesn't want love from me but I try to tell her on a regular basis that I love her but at the same time I will not tolerate lying and stealing.

     The reason for this post is to serve as a chance for me to vent.  I'm not sure what the future holds for this child.  I know that she is hell bent on doing things that she should not.  I'm truly sorry that her mother walked out on her and the boys.  I know that she is searching for something that I don't believe she will ever find from her mother but that is not for me to say.  I do know that she is a game player and tries to pit family members against family members on a constant basis.  We did some mandatory counseling after the false rape charges that revealed she may have a personality disorder.  As a result she was dismissed because as the counselor told us she has a disorder that requires her to admit that there is a problem.  I dread adulthood for her because as of this point she has not admitted that she has issues.  Every single time we went to counseling every thing was fine....  I'm just so frustrated that my in-laws feel the need to work against the Hub and I.

    But back to the unfairness, she was invited out to the in-laws (they didn't bother to call us and ask for any permission) to watch the big SEC game this afternoon.  There was no invitation extended to the other children just like last night when my father in-law took her to a blue grass show.  She is the pet and that is the bottom line.  As I've told my husband, when the other children refuse to have nothing to do with them it will be of their own design.  Needless to say, I'm very sad and angry about the entire situation but it is my life.  I've chosen to be a part of a blended family and this is just one of the many facets associated with being in this life.

Worry of the Worry Wart- What's your worry?

        I'm a self proclaimed worry wart and I suppose that is a family trait from my dad's side of the family.  My worry and anxiety seems to intensify when I have more than normal free time.  Today, for example, Hub is having to work a 14 hour day, three kids are here with me doing their own thing, and then Princess is visiting her grandmother (and possibly her dad).  Time is my enemy right now.  
        If you noticed in one of my previous posts, there are some not so nice things going on with her biological father.  To get down to brass tax, he has told her (via a phone conversation mind you) that there is a 75% chance that he is not even her father.  Crazy?  Ya think?    We have made some calls and found out that after the age of 13 a child can decide when/if they visit the non-custodial parent.  So after this fiasco she has not seen him, however, she has continued to go and stay every other weekend with my ex-monster in-law.  I understand her reasoning because she is pretty much all that her grandmother has (seeing as how her son isn't talking to her either).  But for some unknown reason last night after dropping off Princess the ex monster in-law decided to yell and blame a child for her bad relationship with her father.  How exactly does that work, I ask?  I'm not entirely sure but this seems like an instant replay of my paternal grandmother blaming me for my crappy relationship with my father.
        First of all, a child should not be held responsible for failed relationships with a parent.  It is our job, after all, to make sure that the relationship works and our children know, without a shadow of a doubt, that they have our unconditional love.  Secondly, since when is speaking your mind a crime.  Our children should be taught to speak their mind and stand for what they believe in.  If this child feels slighted by her father and cannot find many good things to say about him, then why should she put on a show and lie to inflate his ego?  She should not. 
        I've been told by my ex that he wants a paternity test but that I must sign an agreement stating that if she isn't his daughter he can still be a part of her life.  My response was that the only agreement would be that she could choose when/if she sees him.  I don't have a problem with this but I will not pay for a paternity test.  He has the doubts, not me.  Same as when we were getting our divorce and he questioned paternity.  The lawyers and judge put the burden of proof on him which suddenly caused him to drop the whole charge.  
        So, here I am on a Saturday afternoon with Princess two hours away and possibly seeing him for the first time since he lodged this complaint and assault on me.  All that I can do is worry.  I've sent my text to her telling her to remember that I love her.  To stand up for what she believes.  Don't fall for the sob story read between the lines of what you are being told. If you need to talk, I'm always here for you.  Hope everything goes well today.  Yes, I know that all those texts wreak of worry and anxiety.  I am who I am, a worry wart to the deep core of my being.  So I'm watching the clock tick away the day and worrying about what is going on with my baby.

What's your worry?

Where does the time go?!?!? Seriously!

      This time change is seriously messing with me today.  It's only 8pm and I'm sitting in the bed in the dark contemplating going to sleep.  That's so very sad!  I understand the reason why daylight savings time was necessary in the time when farming was big but we have electricity and we aren't up before dawn to take care of our animals.  The Hub, being the ever present optimist, says at least you can drive to work and it be somewhat light outside.   But then again give it another month and I'm right back where I am....leaving at 6am and being pitch dark.  I don't think my family truly understands that after getting up at 5am every day I'm just beat by around 9ish.  At least the dogs seem to be okay with this process and gladly burrough down in the bed to watch a little tele and then off to snooze land.
        I can't believe in just 13 short days the smallest clown will be turning 9.   For the first time since I can remember he has not counted out the days until his birthday in front of the entire family each night at the dinner table.  There is something to be said for getting older and more patient with life and the pace that life moves.  I'm just waiting to hear what kind of cake I'm going to be conned into making for this birthday.  I'm seriously hoping and crossing my fingers that he is not going to ask for the strawberry cake that two of the others asked for.   After three batches the last go round I think it is time for something different.  Maybe I can "guide" him into choosing something new.  And hope and pray that the other children don't influence his decision.
        On another note,  I am currently in a count down of my own.  In just about 7 days I will find out whether or not my insurance is going to approve for me to have a hysterectomy in December.  Not to say that this has been nerve wrecking or anything but it has!  In August and September I bled for over 40 days straight with no relief.  Of course since then there has been nothing but the occasional spotting and because of the Depo Provera shot I should not be having any sort of activity.  At 36 I'm at the point where I know that I would be at risk for having a child with Down Syndrome.  Not that this would be something that I wouldn't be able to deal with (because that is part of my profession after all) but I feel that my time for having children has passed.   I have four children and it would be unfair to them at this stage in the game to add another mouth that would essentially take money and things away from them.  I'm happy with my family and the fact that I only birthed one of those children.  I've been young while they have been young and have been able to keep up with them.  In 10 more years the youngest clown will be graduating and moving into adulthood so Hub and I agree that starting over now would be difficult and unfair to all the children.  It makes me sad that Hub and I don't have a child that we can call ours but that's okay too.  We've both just adopted the other's children and been perfectly happy with that arrangement.  I know it sounds terrible that I say that I don't want to birth a child with a disability.  No one does but I know that I have moved into the risk category with my age and I don't feel that it would be fair.  Granted had Princess had a disability I would have loved her just as I do now.  I have an uncle with Down Syndrome who I admire and adore greatly.  I hope that I've been able to justify myself without totally sounding like an ass.  I love my students with disabilities but I also know what having a child with a disability entails....it's a lot and I only have these students for 8.5 hours per day.

To my darling daugther

Dear B,

      The last few days have been so full of dramatics.  I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this.  I've never in the entire time that you've been alive doubted that your father was/is in fact your father.  I've made mistakes before and after you were born but I was never unfaithful while I was married to your father.  I've been 100% positive of your paternity.  You are too young to understand the meanings behind all of this and even at my age I'm too tired to attempt to understand why your father has felt the need to do this to not only you but to both of us.  Last night on my way home from dropping you off I was gripped by this sudden fear that all of this will pull you away from me.
      I know there were times when I didn't do the right things as a mother.  There were lots of times in fact.  Those are times in the past that I cannot change.  In the last five years I've made it my goal to make things right with you and to be a better mother.  I know now that you are the most important and this is your time to live your life.  I can't change the past but I can do something about the right here and right now and make things better for the future.  Those are the things that are important to me.  There is no need to live in the past like your father has chosen to do.  The things that I did in my late teens are not things that I wish for you in the future.  I was pregnant by the time I was 21 and I loved that idea and the idea of having someone that I knew would love me forever.  You are that someone and nothing can ever change that.  I've tried to raise you in a way that you will always be able to see things for what they are.  It is my hope that you will be able to see things as they are and remember that I've always been there through the good and the bad for you.
       Growing up should not be this way and I'm sorry that this is something that has rocked you to your core. Maybe one day you will be able to see clearly why I couldn't remain with your father.  There was a time when he was a good person but those times are long gone.  I can not speculate on why he is the way he is.  I know that he is your father and that you will always in your own way love him.  I have no desire to taint the love that you have for that man, I want you to be the one who decides the dynamics of your relationship.  There have been times when I let my mouth get ahead of me and said negative things about that man but I've long since learned that that only hurts you and certainly does not make me feel any better about whatever the situation may be.
      Most of all I want you to know that I know the truth with all of my pea pickin heart.  I know the truth and I know deep down inside your father knows the truth as well.  I'm not sure what thoughts and hatred are driving this man but I am so very sorry that you have been put in the path of his fury.  No matter what there are lots of people that love you and will support you through anything that may arise.  You will survive this and you will be a stronger person in the end.  Pain somehow makes us better individuals and I know that you will rise above this.

I love you Princess,

Mom

Oh Skin Cancer, How I do loathe thee!

    This past spring I had a spot next to the side of my nose that I thought was just a pimple.  Yes at 36, I still get those little annoying pests.  I picked, my mother picked, and the Hub said, "Leave it alone!"  My step-mother took one look at it and stated emphatically that it was basal cell cancer and it really needed to be looked at.  Finally, September came and I decided that I had put it off long enough.  Sure enough the dermatologist takes one look at it and says, "Yep, that's basal cell cancer.  If you leave it, eventually you'll have a second nose growing on your face."  Of course, I'm telling him to immediately take the darn thing off.  But I have to wait until the week before Halloween (the end result playing into my costume this year). Mind you the dermatologist did not touch me during this initial visit but charged $120.
    Fast forward to the week before Halloween and this is what you get.

  

Princess of course thinks it was absolutely repulsive.  She would only kiss me on my right cheek the whole time I had the staples in.  

    Now I'm left with a slight scar.  I'm pleased to say that the staples actually worked.  I'm still hopeful that the scar will fade nicely into my laugh line.  

  

Rosie the Riveter (the beat up version)

Moral of the story is wear your sunblock!!!  Bathe in it if you have to.  Now I'm constantly on the look out for anything that looks suspicious.  I'm not a regular makeup wearer and typically despise the thoughts of lotion of any sort.  Funny part about it..the Hub says, "You know every summer I watch you cover the kids in sunblock and you forget to put it on yourself.  Don't you think that is sorta ironic?"  Seriously?!?!?!?  At least I put the kids first but I suppose after this adventure I need to put more thought into my skin.

What's good about getting older? Absolutely nothing!!!!

      My grandmother is living proof at the moment that there is nothing good about getting older.  She has had two major surgeries for kidney stones in the last year.  This past weekend she thought that she had another stone and would just wade through the pain.  Boy oh boy was she ever wrong!  She had a case of diverticulitis that caused a tear in her intestines which in turn caused bile to leak into her body.  Bile is a nasty sort of beast that can make you incredibly ill.  As a result of this latest bout she now has a colostomy...in lay terms she has a stoma (hole) in her stomach from which her poop flows into.  Yuck, right?  Well it is going to be a part of her life at least for a while until she is strong enough to have it reversed.
     A few things that I have to share about my grandmother is that she has never driven a car and is the poster child for OCD.  She cleans constantly and is constantly on the move in her home.  I swear you could eat off of her floor because it is so clean but would feel terrible for dirtying it up.  She is quiet and has the biggest heart of anyone I know.  She doesn't have formal education but can cook like nobody I know (I learned from the best).  She was sheltered by my grandfather and since his passing she has looked to her daughter, my mother, for guidance for each and every step of  her life.  She lost her only son 28 years ago and has never quite recovered from his sudden death.  Nan is incredibly prideful but for all of these things I love her with all of my heart.  
      We all come to this point in our lives when time has flown by at the blink of an eye and we are just left standing there wondering how we got here.  Here at this day, hour, minute, and second is very sad for me.  I feel helpless and long to recapture that time that I suddenly feel has been robbed from me.  This is not just about me, it's about my mother.  She is left with the all of the responsibility of taking care of my Nan and I know that she is wearing down and feeling perhaps even more helpless that I am.  Today as she was leaving the hospital I witnessed the most touching scene between my mother and Nan.  Nan told her that she would never be able to repay her for all that she has done and my mother simply replied, "I just want my mom back."  I know that one day, in the blink of the eye, I will be wishing for my mom to come back.  (If you are wondering, yes I am crying)  There needs to be some sort of magic that just lets life stand still but that is not a possibility.  We all, at some point, have to put on the brave face and deal with aging and ultimately death.  
      I spent the day with my Nan and my mother finally got a much needed break.  It's been quite some time since I have seen her this sick but by the end of the day she felt somewhat better.  My two hour ride home was filled with tears and longing for those times that I know that I cannot have back.  It also allowed me time to ponder the good times I've had and all of the things that she has taught me.  It feels me with unending sadness that one day my Nan won't be here for me and all that I will be left with is memories and a few photos.  
      It really is sad how life just winds down and you have so little left after it is gone.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not counting her out but I am realistic that she has a long, tough road to recovery left ahead of her.
    

Sleep, Where are you when I need you most?

    Today, for the first time in over a month, I have all four children under my roof.  I should be at ease and have some sort of peace of mind.  I've mowed the lawn which was a disaster....that's what happens when you don't mow the grass for a few weeks!  If only those darn sleep aids would kick in!

    It is 12:03 am and I've tried for the past hour to go to sleep.  I've poked my husband to make him stop snoring.  I've put the power chord to the lap top under the bed so that darn bright blue beacon won't light up the whole room.  I've listened to the deep sleepy breathing of the puppies, who could sleep through an earthquake.  I've changed pajama pants because the capri pants forced me to stay under the covers.  The RLS isn't even driving me mad (which normally happens). 

      I find myself awake, sitting in the dark, and blogging.  Not one of my finest moments but we all do what we have to do to get us through.  I truly hate it when you try to fall asleep and it's like your brain just won't cut itself off.



       So, what do you do when you can't sleep?