Avoidance

 Avoidance is something that typically I excel at but I suppose that is going to end this weekend at least in one area of my life.  The sperm donor, specifically my sperm donor, is coming to town this weekend and it is not something that I am looking forward to.   I know some girls can say that they are "daddy's little girl" but for me that has never been the case.  I've actually been in counseling for a few years now to try and address my abandonment issues where the donor are the center of topic.  I've learned that I only have to tolerate his prescence a few times per year and that is just bearable.  There was a time when I longed to have that close relationship and have in brief spurts and experienced that but it is quite like the moon...waning and waxing.

My mum is my best friend now and that has always been enough.  Children of divorce often feel that they can push the limits with the parent that they stay with because there is that security of knowing that they will never leave.  We can abuse and growl and gnash at those we live with because we know in our heart of hearts that they are there to the bitter end.  I don't know how others view this sort of thing and I can only speak to my situation but I have watched the same play out with Bre and how she has dealt with her father and I.  She can yell and scream and tell me her mind and not be bothered with it.  On the other hand, she will not express herself freely with her own father.  I don't know if it is fear that drives us to it but I think in the deepest parts of our minds we feel that our relationship is precarious.  In a lot of ways we revert back to childish ways in our thought that if we don't please that other parent (like we would a friend) then they will not love us anymore.  As an adult I chose to avoid because I don't have to deal with worrying about losing something that I don't have.  My sperm donor has always had time for his girlfriends and in the last ten years his step daughters.  My family and I are an after thought.  I can deal with that now because with therapy I have been able to prioritize differently.  My relationship with the sperm donor are low on my list of priorities at this point in the game.  I've tried, at the suggesting of my psychologist, to put my thoughts down in a letter to let the sperm donor know my feelings but it just never gets finished.  I don't feel the need to punish myself in that manner.

Point being the sperm donor and step mom will be arriving to stay at my house in a few hours.  I am mentally trying to prepare because I don't want this weekend to be ruined.  I want to let them get to know my children and this weekend is not about me.  I think I'll be saying the serenity prayer lots over the next few days.

God grant me the strength.......