Worry of the Worry Wart- What's your worry?

        I'm a self proclaimed worry wart and I suppose that is a family trait from my dad's side of the family.  My worry and anxiety seems to intensify when I have more than normal free time.  Today, for example, Hub is having to work a 14 hour day, three kids are here with me doing their own thing, and then Princess is visiting her grandmother (and possibly her dad).  Time is my enemy right now.  
        If you noticed in one of my previous posts, there are some not so nice things going on with her biological father.  To get down to brass tax, he has told her (via a phone conversation mind you) that there is a 75% chance that he is not even her father.  Crazy?  Ya think?    We have made some calls and found out that after the age of 13 a child can decide when/if they visit the non-custodial parent.  So after this fiasco she has not seen him, however, she has continued to go and stay every other weekend with my ex-monster in-law.  I understand her reasoning because she is pretty much all that her grandmother has (seeing as how her son isn't talking to her either).  But for some unknown reason last night after dropping off Princess the ex monster in-law decided to yell and blame a child for her bad relationship with her father.  How exactly does that work, I ask?  I'm not entirely sure but this seems like an instant replay of my paternal grandmother blaming me for my crappy relationship with my father.
        First of all, a child should not be held responsible for failed relationships with a parent.  It is our job, after all, to make sure that the relationship works and our children know, without a shadow of a doubt, that they have our unconditional love.  Secondly, since when is speaking your mind a crime.  Our children should be taught to speak their mind and stand for what they believe in.  If this child feels slighted by her father and cannot find many good things to say about him, then why should she put on a show and lie to inflate his ego?  She should not. 
        I've been told by my ex that he wants a paternity test but that I must sign an agreement stating that if she isn't his daughter he can still be a part of her life.  My response was that the only agreement would be that she could choose when/if she sees him.  I don't have a problem with this but I will not pay for a paternity test.  He has the doubts, not me.  Same as when we were getting our divorce and he questioned paternity.  The lawyers and judge put the burden of proof on him which suddenly caused him to drop the whole charge.  
        So, here I am on a Saturday afternoon with Princess two hours away and possibly seeing him for the first time since he lodged this complaint and assault on me.  All that I can do is worry.  I've sent my text to her telling her to remember that I love her.  To stand up for what she believes.  Don't fall for the sob story read between the lines of what you are being told. If you need to talk, I'm always here for you.  Hope everything goes well today.  Yes, I know that all those texts wreak of worry and anxiety.  I am who I am, a worry wart to the deep core of my being.  So I'm watching the clock tick away the day and worrying about what is going on with my baby.

What's your worry?

Where does the time go?!?!? Seriously!

      This time change is seriously messing with me today.  It's only 8pm and I'm sitting in the bed in the dark contemplating going to sleep.  That's so very sad!  I understand the reason why daylight savings time was necessary in the time when farming was big but we have electricity and we aren't up before dawn to take care of our animals.  The Hub, being the ever present optimist, says at least you can drive to work and it be somewhat light outside.   But then again give it another month and I'm right back where I am....leaving at 6am and being pitch dark.  I don't think my family truly understands that after getting up at 5am every day I'm just beat by around 9ish.  At least the dogs seem to be okay with this process and gladly burrough down in the bed to watch a little tele and then off to snooze land.
        I can't believe in just 13 short days the smallest clown will be turning 9.   For the first time since I can remember he has not counted out the days until his birthday in front of the entire family each night at the dinner table.  There is something to be said for getting older and more patient with life and the pace that life moves.  I'm just waiting to hear what kind of cake I'm going to be conned into making for this birthday.  I'm seriously hoping and crossing my fingers that he is not going to ask for the strawberry cake that two of the others asked for.   After three batches the last go round I think it is time for something different.  Maybe I can "guide" him into choosing something new.  And hope and pray that the other children don't influence his decision.
        On another note,  I am currently in a count down of my own.  In just about 7 days I will find out whether or not my insurance is going to approve for me to have a hysterectomy in December.  Not to say that this has been nerve wrecking or anything but it has!  In August and September I bled for over 40 days straight with no relief.  Of course since then there has been nothing but the occasional spotting and because of the Depo Provera shot I should not be having any sort of activity.  At 36 I'm at the point where I know that I would be at risk for having a child with Down Syndrome.  Not that this would be something that I wouldn't be able to deal with (because that is part of my profession after all) but I feel that my time for having children has passed.   I have four children and it would be unfair to them at this stage in the game to add another mouth that would essentially take money and things away from them.  I'm happy with my family and the fact that I only birthed one of those children.  I've been young while they have been young and have been able to keep up with them.  In 10 more years the youngest clown will be graduating and moving into adulthood so Hub and I agree that starting over now would be difficult and unfair to all the children.  It makes me sad that Hub and I don't have a child that we can call ours but that's okay too.  We've both just adopted the other's children and been perfectly happy with that arrangement.  I know it sounds terrible that I say that I don't want to birth a child with a disability.  No one does but I know that I have moved into the risk category with my age and I don't feel that it would be fair.  Granted had Princess had a disability I would have loved her just as I do now.  I have an uncle with Down Syndrome who I admire and adore greatly.  I hope that I've been able to justify myself without totally sounding like an ass.  I love my students with disabilities but I also know what having a child with a disability entails....it's a lot and I only have these students for 8.5 hours per day.

To my darling daugther

Dear B,

      The last few days have been so full of dramatics.  I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this.  I've never in the entire time that you've been alive doubted that your father was/is in fact your father.  I've made mistakes before and after you were born but I was never unfaithful while I was married to your father.  I've been 100% positive of your paternity.  You are too young to understand the meanings behind all of this and even at my age I'm too tired to attempt to understand why your father has felt the need to do this to not only you but to both of us.  Last night on my way home from dropping you off I was gripped by this sudden fear that all of this will pull you away from me.
      I know there were times when I didn't do the right things as a mother.  There were lots of times in fact.  Those are times in the past that I cannot change.  In the last five years I've made it my goal to make things right with you and to be a better mother.  I know now that you are the most important and this is your time to live your life.  I can't change the past but I can do something about the right here and right now and make things better for the future.  Those are the things that are important to me.  There is no need to live in the past like your father has chosen to do.  The things that I did in my late teens are not things that I wish for you in the future.  I was pregnant by the time I was 21 and I loved that idea and the idea of having someone that I knew would love me forever.  You are that someone and nothing can ever change that.  I've tried to raise you in a way that you will always be able to see things for what they are.  It is my hope that you will be able to see things as they are and remember that I've always been there through the good and the bad for you.
       Growing up should not be this way and I'm sorry that this is something that has rocked you to your core. Maybe one day you will be able to see clearly why I couldn't remain with your father.  There was a time when he was a good person but those times are long gone.  I can not speculate on why he is the way he is.  I know that he is your father and that you will always in your own way love him.  I have no desire to taint the love that you have for that man, I want you to be the one who decides the dynamics of your relationship.  There have been times when I let my mouth get ahead of me and said negative things about that man but I've long since learned that that only hurts you and certainly does not make me feel any better about whatever the situation may be.
      Most of all I want you to know that I know the truth with all of my pea pickin heart.  I know the truth and I know deep down inside your father knows the truth as well.  I'm not sure what thoughts and hatred are driving this man but I am so very sorry that you have been put in the path of his fury.  No matter what there are lots of people that love you and will support you through anything that may arise.  You will survive this and you will be a stronger person in the end.  Pain somehow makes us better individuals and I know that you will rise above this.

I love you Princess,

Mom

Oh Skin Cancer, How I do loathe thee!

    This past spring I had a spot next to the side of my nose that I thought was just a pimple.  Yes at 36, I still get those little annoying pests.  I picked, my mother picked, and the Hub said, "Leave it alone!"  My step-mother took one look at it and stated emphatically that it was basal cell cancer and it really needed to be looked at.  Finally, September came and I decided that I had put it off long enough.  Sure enough the dermatologist takes one look at it and says, "Yep, that's basal cell cancer.  If you leave it, eventually you'll have a second nose growing on your face."  Of course, I'm telling him to immediately take the darn thing off.  But I have to wait until the week before Halloween (the end result playing into my costume this year). Mind you the dermatologist did not touch me during this initial visit but charged $120.
    Fast forward to the week before Halloween and this is what you get.

  

Princess of course thinks it was absolutely repulsive.  She would only kiss me on my right cheek the whole time I had the staples in.  

    Now I'm left with a slight scar.  I'm pleased to say that the staples actually worked.  I'm still hopeful that the scar will fade nicely into my laugh line.  

  

Rosie the Riveter (the beat up version)

Moral of the story is wear your sunblock!!!  Bathe in it if you have to.  Now I'm constantly on the look out for anything that looks suspicious.  I'm not a regular makeup wearer and typically despise the thoughts of lotion of any sort.  Funny part about it..the Hub says, "You know every summer I watch you cover the kids in sunblock and you forget to put it on yourself.  Don't you think that is sorta ironic?"  Seriously?!?!?!?  At least I put the kids first but I suppose after this adventure I need to put more thought into my skin.